Anyone who has been in a relationship knows one inescapable truth—conflict between partners is unavoidable. From minor irritations to chronic, significant fights, conflict is not only an inevitable part of being in a relationship but it is also perfectly normal. Unfortunately, many couples believe that the presence of conflict indicates that something is inherently wrong with their relationship and, perhaps even worse, that their relationship is doomed. Nothing could be further from the truth. Rather than signaling the end of a relationship, conflict can be a mechanism for growth and change as well as a way to get to know yourself and your partner better. What if your relational conflicts contained meaning and purpose that, if understood, could deepen your connection to one another?
For instance, Sophia and Jack, who have been married for several years, have a reoccurring conflict about how they manage money. Sophia gets angry and hurt because Jack doesn’t like to spend money on gifts for her. She thinks he is cheap and views his lack of gift-giving as a lack of love for her. Jack, on the other hand, thinks Sophia is frivolous with money and doesn’t appreciate how hard he works to provide for their family. Each time the subject comes up they defend their position and nothing ever gets resolved. They walk away from the fight feeling frustrated, hurt, and misunderstood.
So why can’t Sophia and Jack figure out how to solve this problem? Interestingly, most conflicts are not resolvable. Why? Because buried beneath the content of the conflict (i.e. money, sex, household responsibilities) lies each partner’s needs, wants, preferences, beliefs, dreams, and personalities, all of which shape how partners perceive and interpret the situation. Consequently, partners position themselves against one another, defending their “rightness” and fighting to defeat the other. Let’s take a closer look at Sophia and Jack’s situation.
Sophia and her two older sisters were raised by a single mother who was often away from home due to working several jobs to provide for her family. Needless to say, the family had limited means. In fact, Sophia distinctly remembers rarely, if ever, receiving new clothes or gifts for birthdays or holidays. Instead, she always got hand-me-downs from her older sisters. This left her feeling hurt and unloved.
Jack was an only child raised by an alcoholic father who was unable to hold down a job. Jack never knew if there would be food on the table or if the electricity and water would be working. He was eventually removed from his father and placed in foster care where he remained until he turned eighteen. When he left foster care, he immediately went to work, saving his earnings and swearing he would never end up like his father.
Fast forward to present time. For Sophia, receiving gifts means being loved not being frivolous with money. For Jack, buying gifts means spending money that is needed to provide for his family not being cheap. When Sophia and Jack are able to see beyond the content of the conflict and into its meaning for the other, they can relax their positions and empathize with one another. Does this mean that Sophia will get all the gifts she wants? Does this mean that Jack can save every penny he makes in order to ensure that he can provide for his family? No. But now they can move past gridlock and have a dialogue about the conflict in way that honors each person’s needs and wants.